The Leadership Wake-Up Call: Don’t Miss the Moments That Matter

Dr. Sara Reed
Mar 15
5 min read

Five years ago, the United States shut down because of a global pandemic. I have vivid memories of that day, as I was balancing being a military commander, a leader of the people function (aka HR) at a large urban community college, a daughter of a mom going through cancer treatment, a mom to three kids, and a wife. I remember the day clearly ... I was in my military commander office and started getting text messages - my husband "Schools are shut down for two weeks" ... my boss, "How are we going to support the employees with kids at home?" I then turned to my computer and started seeing email messages flowing in. I remember feeling like I did on September 11, 2001, when I was a new lieutenant.. a little bit paralyzed, but with 19 more years of experience under my belt. I realized that I was the leader - and in many places could choose to show up for people in my various spheres of influence. During the 2.5 years of responding and recovery, I observed a lot of leadership and attempted to lead in the best way possible along the way.

One key lesson I learned during that time was that missing the most important leadership moments was much too easy.

Big Idea Upfront: Spend your time, attention & focus wisely, or you will miss the moments to be the leader the people in your life need.

Empathy can be your leadership superpower.

Question to ponder: Are you the story or the example?

When I was thinking about missed leader moments and what can cause us to potentially to miss the chance to connect with someone, miss when they need us, or just miss the mark in general, four overlapping aspects came to mind:

Time
Attention
Focus
Priorities

Whether you are the story or the example is about how others describe you. Do they describe you as a leader who made time for them? As a leader who was there for them during a crucial moment or season? Or are you the story of the mistimed conversation or the missed opportunities? Or worse - are you the story of the toxic leader who created damage to those around you?

Daryl Van Tongeren defines empathy as having two parts in his book, Humble: Free Yourself from the Traps of a Narcissistic World,

(1) The ability to see another's viewpoint

(2) Feelings of compassion and warmth toward other people

Empathy is the foundation of being prepared not to miss leader moments, and it takes intentional effort to manage time, attention, focus, and priorities to be the leader the people around you need.

Time

One of the hardest parts of being a leader is that there are usually competing priorities and the same 24 hours a day as everyone else. Our schedules are often so packed that there aren't moments to pause and connect. It was ironic in 2020 because, in my experience, many leaders had more time overall and also more demands pulling at them. (Especially those balancing caregiving of some sort.)

By putting time within the frame of empathy, as leaders (and humans), we choose to be with people and may even let them guide the time. While we might show up for a 1-1 meeting with a full agenda, if we value the human in front of us over productivity in the moment, we are showing up for a leadership moment.

Question to consider: What space does my life leave to show up for others?

Attention

Attention was one of the hardest parts of my life in 2020. I was trying to care for my 100+ Airmen all over the United States (and globe at times), ensure my local team was supported with dynamic changes, and balance my own life. Yet, many of us discovered a different type of attention that year. We realized we needed to pay more attention to those we were with.

I wrote about attention earlier, and you can read more about the importance of attention here: Are you managing your attention or is it managing you?

Related to leader moments, if your attention is not on the person you are with, you will miss when the needed response is curiosity or listening. Maybe it's a device distracting you or your own "to do" list.

Question to consider: When you have competing priorities, how do you choose what gets your attention?

Focus

Oddly, reflecting on 2020, I ended up with many demands and yet found a laser focus on leading through my values of integrity, respect, and care (courage was added that year to my core). However, staying present in the moment with a multitude of people needing things sometimes made focus in the moment hard, and I learned that I could handle moving from space to space in an empathetic way.

We know that what leaders focus on is what those around the leader also focus on. When we are channeling our empathy, we can more easily move from what we thought was going to be the focus to what the person (or people) in front of us need.

Question to ponder: How would other people describe your focus when you are with them?

Priorities

The final aspect (for this reflection) on missing leadership moments is missing what someone else needs because we want to get something done. There are times when our priorities matter more, but during a crisis or uncertainty, leaning into being present and letting the person you are with set the priorities for the discussion is being in a leadership moment. In 2020, I spent a lot of time and emotional intelligence to meet individuals where they needed me, and I had many in my life do the same for me. Some of this also means making decisions based on what is most important.

One example that comes to mind was whether or not we asked our Airmen to wear uniforms to one of our first remote drill weekends. Ultimately, as the commander, it was more important for me to see the faces of my Airmen - facial hair and all - than to force military grooming standards. (Note: I was commanding a Reserve squadron, so most of my folks only had to be in these standards 2 days per month.) My leadership team debated this decision, as we upheld high military standards. Still, ultimately, I wanted people to choose to attend the drill weekend - and I wanted us as leaders to see how they were really doing. Most attended, and we could check in and see who might need more than we would have had we added that pressure. (We did get back into all things military, and empathy and compassion were the most important acts, especially early on.)

Question to consider: What do you prioritize when someone on your team is in need?

Reflecting on how 2020 and how leaders and organizations changed how they worked to meet the humans they were leading in new and different ways. Some of that good has stayed, and I am finding that the people in our lives need us in similar ways that they did in 2020. Being intentional about the choices we make about time, attention, focus, and priorities can help us show up for those around us when they need us most.

Judith Orloff, in her book The Genius of Empathy, offers us all a challenge: